A campaign for Anna

The following is an email from my good friend from UR, Anna. She calls herself "Fat Anna." Fat Anna lives in Reno which is far too far away. I often tell people that Anna is the funniest person I know. Now I have proof. Please read the email below and then comment on how she should have a blog so her humor can be shared with all.

So, if I was Dave Barry, I would have an excellent topic to write an article on right now...my dog. I have two dogs, actually. They have an unbelievable ability to entertain me. And by entertain, I mean cause me to want to return them to the pound where they came from. No, not really. I love them like they are my children but Spider came close to roaming the desert of Northern Nevada, looking for a herd of wild springer spaniels to join the other day.

I am an excellent dog owner. If I don't provide opportunity for my dogs to get ample exercise each and every day, I am riddled with guilt. We have a backyard where they can run around but that is not good enough. Not for a dedicated pet owner such as myself. Oh no. We must go to the dog park in order for me to have a clear head and feel as though I will not be arrested by animal control for abusing my animals. Perhaps I should seek help...

The dog park here in Reno is nothing short of amazing. It's about the size of 4 football fields and if you don't obey the laws, there are many trails you can hike on with the dogs off the leash. So, this is where we go on a regular basis to get our exercise. Now the idea behind the park is that other people also bring their dogs and maybe you walk around for a little while but in the end, the dogs exercise each other by chasing each other around at top speed for hours on end.

Ralph gets this idea. He is a champion at finding a dog who is as dopey as he and will run in circles, chasing him around and around, until they actually fall over from diziness. He runs and drools and falls down and all I have to do is stand there and feel really good that I am providing such a nice opportunity for my dog.

Spider, however, is different. He does not play. He does not run. He does not jump. He does nothing but sniff a butt or two if a butt or two happens to pass by his nose. He does not go out of his way even to sniff a butt. Oh no. When Spider goes to the dog park, he sits. He sits completely still and watches. He watches the other dogs run around. Now, if the other dogs happen to get close to him and appear to be having fun, this is when Spider leaps into action. At this point, he stands and barks wildly at these filthy beasts who dare come near him and disturb his sitting.

So, you can see how this poses a problem for me. I devote over an hour of everyday trying to ensure that my dogs get the exercise they need but simply taking Spider to the dog park does not ensure this. No no. More is required. So, when we get to the dog park, we must go on a lengthy walk so that Spider is forced to exercise. Please note that this requires me to also exercise because if I'm not moving, Spider is not moving.

So, we walk. During these walks, Spider actually emulates a real dog by running up ahead with Ralph and pretending to enjoy himself. They stick their heads in bushes (there are no bushes in Nevada, only sagebrush) and roll in any and all poop they happen to come across. It's nice. I used to think that rolling in poop was pretty much the worst trouble they could get into at the dog park. I was wrong.

One day last week, we were walking along and the dogs were showing a particular interest in some sagebrush along the path. I ignored them and continued to walk along. When they didn't follow, I turned to see what they were doing. Turns out, Ralph had caught a mouse. Well, I told him "RALPHIE, OUT!" and wouldn't you know, he dropped it!

Well, I hadn't thought far enough ahead because as soon as Ralph dropped it, Spider snatched it up. As I outlined earlier, Spider is a different sort of dog. I, of course, at this point shouted "SPIDER, OUT!" which caused Spider to "run" in the opposite direction, with the mouse in his mouth (I put run in quotations because Spider is the only dog I've ever met that I can actually run faster than).

So, Spider "ran" about 12 steps in the opposite direction and then got tired so he turned and began to walk back towards me. I grabbed him by the neck and tried to convince him to drop the mouse by shaking his head. This did not work. I twisted his head to the point where it almost popped off, still he held onto the mouse. (The mouse was quite dead by this point, so don't worry). I grabbed his jaw and tried to pry it open. Spider gave me the look like "you can puncture my teeth through my lips and I'm not dropping this mouse".

I didn't know what to do so we continued on our walk. It was pretty hot out so I figured that if we walked for long enough, Spider would have to drop the mouse in order to open his mouth to pant. Turns out, Spider's will is strong than the need to pant. So we walked, and walked, and walked...

Still the mouse hung out of Spider's mouth, dangling there, swinging back and forth...

At several points during the rest of our walk, I attempted to convince Spider to drop the mouse. I did the head twisting, the shaking, the jaw grabbing. I talked nicely to him. I yelled at him. He didn't give a crap.

I was running out of ideas, it was getting dark and I wanted to go home. My final idea was to bring Spider near the other dogs and maybe one of them could convince him to drop the mouse. Of course, going near the other dogs means going near their owners as well. So up we walk, mouse swinging in the breeze and people looking at me like I'm some kind of freak who allows their dog to not only catch mice but then keep them as a toy.

One lady took pity on me and tried to help me get it away from him. She offers him water. He sits down. The sight of the mouse at this point, is not worth mentioning because it will cause you to throw up on your computer screen as you read this. I know this because myself and this other woman were literally gagging as we tried to get the mouse away from Spider. I was pretty sure that I was going throw up right there at the dog park. That didn't happen though because right then, a dog came up to Spider, sniffed the mouse and Spider, to show that dog who was boss, swallowed the mouse. Yup, he just gulped down the entire mouse. And that ended that.

I think for my next pet I'll get a goldfish.