A year and half ago I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety. My condition caused abnormal stress levels, heart palpitations, and insomnia. Since my diagnosis, I have been on two medications: Lexapro (to help boost my seratonin) and Clonazepam (to be taken at night to help shut of my brain and keep me from fixating on things). Since going on these medications I have realized how normal people react to stressful situations, and I've also been blessed with what a real night's sleep feels like. Since getting on these meds, I've been happier, healthier, and much more easy going.
A couple days ago, I ran out of the Clonazepam. Being that it's the summer and I am considerably less stressed out then than during the school year, I thought I'd just see how would do without taking it for a couple days. Maybe my balanced seratonin levels would be enough to allow me to rest. No go. I didn't sleep for three nights. I didn't allow myself to nap on the days in between, thinking that would help. Still no go. The second the lights went out, off my brain went on tangents in every directions while my nervous habits, i.e. rubbing my eyebrows and grinding my teeth, came swooping back to join me. It was maddening.
Not only was I exhausted, I felt weak and disappointed in myself. I hated how I needed a pill to help me go to sleep. I don't know why I care. My doctor prescribed these for me and told me that when patients have anxiety to the point where they need medication, that's usually because the coping strategies that other people use aren't enough for those patients. I got the pills filled and got a good night's sleep last night. Still, I hate that I might have to be on them forever. Why can't I just calm myself down, shut up, and relax?
Any thoughts?
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3 comments:
It's important to remember that the brain is an organ just like the, oh, I don't know, let's say the pancreas. And your brain producing inadequate seratonin reflects on you as a person no more than a pancreas failing to produce insulin reflects on, for example, me. It's not a question of weakness or laziness or will power or anything else except blind, stupid genetics.
All that having been said, I hear you. My doctor put me on another medication last week that is a perfectly normal med for diabetics, and I knew I would probably go on it one day, and it's going to be good for me and help me live longer and spend more quality time with my wife and cats and siblings and various other co-conspirators, but I still felt bummed out for most of the day, knowing I'd be adding ANOTHER medication to my little smorgasboard.
On a positive note, at least you know what it is about your brain that isn't functioning properly. My doctor and I are still trying to figure it out. Chances are good that we just may not. We just have to troubleshoot with meds and med levels until we find the one that happens to work for me. And at this rate, I will probably have to be on seizure meds for the rest of my life too.
I think we should write nasty letters to our parents, berating them for being genetic failures, and producing medicinally dependant children. Think that would go well?
i used to not want to sleep because my dreams were worse than being awake. now i can't sleep until i'm absolutely exhausted. i was tired two hours ago.
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