Weird but AWESOME.

I decided to google images of "Valerie" tonight. Aside from the expected slutted-up pictures (apparently all other Valeries are quite whore-ish, at least those found on the internet) I found this lovely tidbit:



Apparently, you can mail order a VALERIE ANDROID from some dude named Chris in Texas. Click here for details. Notice her stylish suit and hairstyle.

I'm so proud.

Zapp's bark is INSANELY loud and howly. It gets really high pitched at the end and she kind of scares herself. It makes me laugh.

Strike Over.

See here.

NOW.

I am demanding a public declaration of love for me from my husband to be posted on the Internet. I'm going on strike (i.e. not blogging) until my demands are met.

Things I can't handle...

1. People who put those elastic bands with bows on them around their infant daughter's head.
2. Dust.
3. When children don't put their names on their papers.
4. Dogs dressed up like humans.
5. Cilantro.
6. People who put pens that do not work *back* in the cup sitting next to the phone.
7. When people say "aks" instead of "ask."
8. Not being in the Dominican Republic right now.
9. The streetlight outside my window that blinds me all through the night.
10. When little kids are sick.

Lemme just say...

There's nothing like sitting in a room with the window open, reading the Internet, and listening to the Jackson 5. I'd feel guilty asking for anything more.

Taco Bell Sh*t Lady

After equally exhausting days, Ross and I decided that we deserved to splurge and get ourselves some Taco Bell. This is always exciting because, as we are poor, even the cheapest of dinners out feels like extreme decadence. As we were waiting for our food at the drive through window, the repeatedly heard the lady working there saying sh*t, I think because the person who ordered after us wasn't specifying if he wanted regular lemonade or pink lemonade. I'm sure she was having a rough day, and I imagine that working at Taco Bell bites the big one, but is cussing in your place of work (that also happens to be a place where people bring their children) really necessary? I understand cussing under your breath or in the privacy of your own home, but she didn't even try to disguise it. It was just sh*t, sh*t, sh*t all over the place. It took all I had to not park the car and go in to speak to the manager. If I were her boss and I heard her saying that, I would fire her on the spot. But that's just me, and I'm kinda crazy insane.

Sorry about the annoying *'s but I need to do that incase one of my kids walks up on me at work. While I'm reading my own blog. Yeah, that's right. I read my own. A lot.

Some more things.

I've started riding my bike more. I'm starting to understand why Ross loves it so much. When I'm riding it, I kinda feel like I'm better than the suckers who are stuck inside their cars on pretty days. Too bad I'm so out of shape that I can't ride it very far.

Don't buy a bathing suit during PMS. It just makes you feel bad about yourself.

One of my favorite teachers in the school has decided to move up to 5th grade. I'm psyched to the max.

I'm trying to read more. I'm currently reading The Known World by Edward P. Jones. My mother-in-law gave it to me months ago. I figured it was about time to start it.

My sister is now on imdb.com. Check it out.

Ross thinks I'm working out right now.

I wish Matt and Maura lived here NOW.

I only have 2 more months of school. I feel more prepared for the SOLs than I ever have. Rather than enjoying it, I'm stressing out that I'm not stressed, and fear that my confidence will cause them to fail. That's messed up.

I currently have a blemish. I haven't had a blemish in 3 months. I'm scared that my skin has adapted to my cleanser.

Diana Ross's "Love Child" is a great song.

I realized yesterday while doing laundry that Ross and I were in dire need of new undergarments. I went to Target to "price them" to see if it was worth it. Then I felt pitiful and poor. But somewhat noble.

I'm going to go take a shower and then watch SuperNanny.

Spring Break Wrap-Up

As today is Friday, and the rest of the world doesn't have to work tomorrow either, my spring break is officially over now. Let's look at the run-down of what this week has given me...

Days slept in after 10:00: 6 out of 7
Free lunches out: 3
Paid for lunches out: 1
Times I shampooed the rugs: 2
Time spent exercising: 30 minutes
Episodes of "A Different World Watched": 12
Hours working in the yard: 1
Hours reading myspace: 14
Hours spent regretting my semi-sedentary lifestyle: ZERO.

SPRING BREAK! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Only 2 more months of school!!! OWWWW!!!!!!

AHAHAHAAAHAHAHHAA!!!! I'm* hilarious.

What if instead of this:

and this:

We had this:

and this:


*Partial credit for this post goes to my husband because he brought it up. The rest of it goes to me because I found/made the hilarious pictures.

Trying for Contentment

We spend the first quarter of our lives in constant preparation for the next step. While in elementary school, we are being prepared for middle school. Middle school is spent in anticipation of high school. In high school, we're gearing up for college. College ends with job searches and never-ending choices of what to do next. I ended college preparing for marriage and for a teaching job. I got married, got the teaching job, and then moved on to working for the house. At 24, I've got the degree, the husband, the job, the house, and even two dogs. Now what?

After getting so much done in such a little amount of time, I've reached the state of being settled very quickly, and find myself somewhat antsy. I keep looking around thinking, "Ok, now we've got to move on to the next thing, and the next thing has to be huge, because we've only had huge things happen in the last 3 years." But who says that *anything* has to happen for a while. I need to follow my husband's example here, and just focus on being appreciative of all I've been blessed with, work on making myself as good a person as possible, so I'm even better prepared for the next big thing, whatever that may be. I've been given more than anyone deserves, and I'm going to take comfort in that. I will rest in the niche I have carved out for myself and be happy.

Two days in a row

Apparently old people love me. Yesterday, while at lunch with my mother, a VERY old man (we're talkin' 90) shuffled up to my seat and said, "You lookin' for a date?" I responded with a disappointed sigh, showed him my left hand, and said, "Sorry, I'm married." "Man! It's just not my lucky day," he groaned, and made his way back to his table. Then today, while in Ben Franklin helping my sister with center pieces, an elderly woman walked into the store, passed the red-aproned sales assistants, and demanded that I tell her where the pussy-willows were. I told her that I didn't work there, but I would be glad to come find her if I came across what she was looking for. She then launched into an explanation of how if you plant pussy-willows next to tulips, the tulips don't droop. I assumed that she was looking for *real* pussy-willows to plant next to her *real* tulips, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that she would only find fabric flowers in that store. After all, she shared such a valuable tip with me, why burst her bubble?

My friend

Allow me to present an acrostic I wrote about my friend Maura:

Makes the best pizza ever.
Always in the mood to gab about celebs.
Undoubtedly the best Karaoke Revolution partner.
Ross and I love her even though she always forgets her wallet or loses her keys.
Awesome beyond compare.

Lots of love to you, lady friend. See you this weekend I hope!!!!!!!!!

ATTN: No, I'm not about to pass out.

One of the things that annoys me most is when people I see everyday say to me, "You look pale. Are you ok?" Hello. I'm pale everyday. I've been pale everyday that you have seen me. My mother even says this to me, and she should know better than anyone else.

My fair skin, as I would rather put it, comes from my paternal grandfather, supposedly. He was a red-head, and while I'm not *really* a red-head, I do have all of the tendencies that accompany it: very light skin, freckles, sunburns, stubborness. The fact that this trait came from him makes it one of my favorite things about myself. I am more fair than anyone else in my family, and as I have gotten older I have learned to accept and love it. The only downside is that I really can't wear skirts or shorts for fears of blinding you all.

Although I love this about myself, I have spent the better part of my life fighting off offers to sit down because I look faint and daily inquiries of, "Are you feeling ok?" I've even recently bought into the genius marketing that is geared directly towards me and my kind: sunless tanning and bronzers that give you that "healthy" glow without exposing you to the sun and frying your skin. But my weakness comes more from the desire to get people off of my back than vanity. Maybe I should move to India. I hear that over there I would be revered and quite the eligible lady. They think the paler you are the better. I'm practically translucent in some places-they might make me their queen and feed me grapes.

My girl

I spend a lot of time talking about my epileptic dog on here. I have another dog though. Her name is Zapp (yes, with 2 p's), and I would like to tell you about her.

1. She is tall, pretty, skinny, and dumb-just like a model.
2. She has several polka dots on her tongue.
3. Her tail wags from the moment she wakes up until she falls asleep. And sometimes while she is asleep.
4. She doesn't use her barker very much, but when she does it's very loud and hound-dog like.
5. She loves to shake.
6. When Shooter igonores her, she pets him until he gives her attention.
7. She loves going up skirts. This is because she loves vaginas. Sorry but it's true.
8. Digging sends her into a euphoric fit.
9. She'll pee anytime, anywhere, just tell her to go.
10. She loves to sit in my office with me and stare out the porch door. It is the only time she stays still for more than two minutes.
11. She knows the way to piss Shooter off is to bite his bling (also known as his dog tags-you don't mess with a queen's accessories).
12. She tries to sneak up on the couch like a seal gets up on land.
13. She burps a lot.
14. She hates to be brushed.
15. She still lets Shooter be boss even though she's faster and bigger. I think she does it to make him feel good.

What can I say? I love her. That's right. I posted a lovey list about my dog. I'm sure she'd do the same thing for me if she could. I bet she'd post about how I'm nice cause I feed her and call her "Zappalong" and rub her belly and sing songs to her, like "I'm So Excited."

Finally Back to Normal

The final count of missed workdays ended up being 5. By Wednesday my co-workers and boss were insisting that I not come in until Monday. I didn't argue, so as of now, I haven't seen my students for 10 days. I'm actually very excited to see them tomorrow. And we'll get reaquainted just in time for spring break to start Friday afternoon.

This weekend was my time to test and see how much normal activity I can handle after my scary sickness. As of now, I have walked the dog, had a club sandwich, eaten several ice cream sandwiches, worked in the yard, mopped the floor, and played Mad Gab, all without incident. I'd say I'm good to go for work.

Thanks for all of your calls, emails, and posts of concern. I'm feeling healthy and happy that spring is here!