Which is worse: Failing out of school or being embarrassed?

I started today with a very frustrating conference. I have an adorable little girl in my class who has failed math every nine weeks for the passed three years. She squeaks by in her other subjects with D’s, but I guess since she’s not a behavior problem and doesn’t stand out, her other teachers have just scooted her along to the next grade, assuming that she’ll catch on eventually.

I met with her mother today (who, btw, was supposed to meet me at school yesterday afternoon, but never showed) and we talked about her daughter’s progress, or lack thereof. Her daughter has already been tested for a learning disability, but nothing came of it because she doesn’t *have* a disability, she’s just got major gaps in her learning. Even though she is in fifth grade, she reads at a third grade level. She doesn’t know any of her math facts at all. After scouring her records last night, I decided that my recommendation would be that we move her back to fourth grade. I consulted my mentor teacher, who agreed with me completely.

After giving the mother the facts, the mother went on and on about how she told her daughter’s teachers years ago that she didn’t have her basics and it didn’t make sense for her to move on to another grade, but they said no. First of all, I know that’s a lie because I talked to her other teachers. So, I went on and made my recommendation that we put her in fourth grade to give her six months to build up those skills before coming back to fifth grade and moving on to middle school where NO extra help is offered. The mother gave me a look saying, “How dare you even suggest that,” then back-pedaled like you would not believe. She said that she thought holding children back was bad for them socially and she thought her daughter would just completely shut down if we did that. I then made it clear that our Assistant Principal would not let her pass fifth grade if she didn’t have certain skills by the end of the year. I asked her which would be more damaging: Failing a grade or having your parent and teachers choose to put you in a grade where you can be successful because they are teaching at your level. I understand that the initial move back would sting some, but I would think getting all F’s for the fourth year in a row would sting a little more.

After much back and forth over this, the mother said that she was going to help her more at home. This, after saying that she only sees her daughter twice a week because of her job. I asked how she was going to help her if she only sees her twice a week, and she said she was going to cut back on time at work. Right. So, we’re left right back where we started, with a poor little girl who can’t keep up, me with my heart breaking over the fact that I know this girl is going to be behind for the rest of her life, and her mother more concerned with own pride than her daughter’s success. Dammit.